“It’s OK to work on yourself”
I was about 14, 15 years old I started developing panic attacks. It was a little bit before people understood that it was part of the normal stressful life. There wasn’t a lot of literature about it. There wasn’t a lot of stuff about it on TV like there is now. And I really didn’t know what was happening to me and other people, doctors and stuff didn’t know what was happening to me. It’s scary because when it happens it feels like you’re dying but you have no explanation for why that would be. I kind of ended up just withdrawing, completely . I got really depressed. I wouldn’t go to school and it’s sort of became a huge problem for me.
The way I overcame it was I accidentally saw an infomercial late at night by a woman who was an early advocate for people who had anxiety and agoraphobia. I started researching it and I started working on my own inner monologue. I spent all that time in high school and the rest of college just kind of working on it. And finally I got a handle on it.
It actually gives me a lot more compassion for any weirdness that other people have or social awkwardness. Because a big part of trying to do well, be ambitious, is that you have to show up and be somebody that people like. And if you’re super uncomfortable, just existing day to day it’s really hard for you to have a wonderful magnetic personality that people want to talk to. For me that’s taken a lot of work, just having a conversation with a stranger like this. I wouldn’t have been able to do that 10 years ago. So when I meet young people I try to look beyond that. I tried to get really under there make sure that they can feel validated in how they feel. But also know that it’s OK to work on yourself. That’s not a defect. You can overcome things.
I have a baby blanky which I still have. When I was at home recently I asked my mom to send my stuffed animals to me and one was in there, a little teddy bear that said I “heart” Los Angeles. This was from when I was six years, She brought it back from a trip. And it was my BFF until I was 12 or whatever. And I picked that one out of the crate and I actually hugged it and started crying, like I had missed it so much. Her name is Kimmy, she’s pink. She gave me an outlet, like creatively. I made clothes for her. I felt like, she was always there.